How does one know if they are transgender? (Warning: sexual content) Comments welcome.

 How can someone tell if they are transgender, gender queer, or one of the other terms out there describing people who do not identify with their biological gender?

First of all, I am not an expert in this field at all. I want that to be known up front. I have researched the subject a lot online and spoken with people about it in chat rooms, but that is basically the extent of my knowledge on the subject. In fact, I recently learned of a new term yesterday, non-binary. I'd never heard this term before. I think it's pretty much the same as gender queer. From my understanding it refers to someone who does not identify with any gender, or possibly identifies with both male and female. I could be wrong on this, but that is what I understand it to mean. It's an interesting term and one that I think I can really get behind. It makes sense to me because there are times when that's exactly how I feel.

This is a subject that has been confusing for me for a very long time and I am still struggling with my own gender identity, even at forty-one years old. I was born male, I identify as a gay man, I dress mostly in men's clothing with a bit of an androgynous spin to it, but I don't dress in drag or cross-dress (not unless it's in the privacy of my own home and for more "intimate" purposes). My husband identifies as pansexual. Gender isn't a contributing factor to him when it comes to the person he loves. He was married to a woman previously, has children with her, and I am the only man that he's ever been with.  Our courtship was a long and confusing time for each of us. There is actually a funny story about how we first met and got together.

When I first met him, I was up front about my sexuality. This didn't seem to bother him and so we developed a close friendship. He was still married at the time but his wife had moved out and taken the kids with her prior to my having met him. It was a sad situation. She had left during a time when he was going through something really terrible and he needed her love and support, but it was too much for her to handle and so she choose to leave rather then stand by him and help him through it. I personally have suffered with mental health issues for years and so I was sympathetic to him and tried my best to be there to comfort him and give him support the best I could. This eventually brought us closer together.

I was attracted to him from the very beginning, but just in a sexual way. I did my best to try and bury these feelings because I assumed at the time that he was 100% straight. I wanted to be his friend and I didn't want anything to mess up that relationship. As time went on though, I started to develop stronger feelings for him and I began to realize that I wanted more than just friendship. I fantasized about him, about us being together, but I never acted on it. We started spending a lot of time together, just hanging out, watching movies, talking. I was there when his wife filed for divorce. I was there when he needed a shoulder to cry on. All the while trying to suppress my true feelings for him.

Eventually I started to have trouble being around him and not telling him how I felt or acting on my feelings so I sought out the advice of a close female friend that I had known almost as long. I told her all about him, how we met, what he was going through, and how I felt about him. She encouraged me to be honest with him. If he was really my friend he would understand and then I would know for certain how he felt and if there was any chance of our relationship progressing beyond the "just friends" stage. I was scared at first. I diddn't want to scare him off, but I couldn't keep hiding my feelings for him, it was causing me some major depression. So, reluctantly, I took my friends advice and told him the truth.

To my complete surprise, he wasn't freaked out, and even told me that he too had developed deeper feelings for me than just friendship but that he was confused about it and not sure what to say or do. He didn't think I liked him as anything more than just a friend and so he was too scared to tell me how he felt about me. So, here we were. Two grown men, both with romantic feelings for the other, and each of us too damn chicken to say anything. I wondered just how long we'd both sat on that couch in his living room, eyes fixed to the TV screen, wanting to make the first move, but too scared to do anything. It's really comical if you think about it. We've both been married, both have children. I've been in other relationships in the past, so neither of us were really inexperienced, but yet we were acting like a couple of high school kids with secret crushes.

We decided to explore our feelings for each other and see if there really was anything there. As I stated before, he'd never been with a man before, and he wasn't really all that sure how to act around me, so for that reason I felt that we needed to take things slowly. I wanted him to be comfortable with whatever we did, and I wanted him to know up front that we didn't have to do anything that he didn't want to do. Sure, sex would have been great. Admittedly it had been a while for me and I really needed a release but I was content to rely on self gratification for the time being. At this point in my life relationships weren't just about sex anymore. I wanted something more than just intimate encounters and one night stands. I wanted someone that I could spend my life with. Someone that loved me as much as I loved them. Someone that I could grow old with. If I could have that with Raven, then I could wait for the physical stuff.

Believe it or not, we started off just holding hands. He seemed to do well with this. It was about a week later before we shared our first kiss. After that we spent a lot of time just cuddling on the couch and really getting to know each other better. It was a good month after we had started actually dating before we did anything sexual together, and almost six years from the first time we'd first met.
Now, four years later, we're married, and couldn't be happier. The thing with Raven though is that he doesn't care if I'm male, female, or other. He's happy just being with me as an individual. This really means a lot to me because I know that I can be perfectly honest with him about how I am feeling, thoughts or questions I have, and if I ever wanted to take a step further and change my physical appearance, he would be supportive.

That's not to say that I want to have a sex change or anything. It's something that I have considered, even researched. There was a time in my life when I thought that maybe I would be happier as a woman but I know that my family would never accept me that way and so I kind of scrapped the idea. I love my family and don't want to do anything that would potentially drive them away. Do I still struggle with my gender identity? yeah, I do. I have for years. As a young child I would stuff socks under my shirt and pretend that I had boobs. I would tie a baby blanket around my head and pretend that I had long hair and was a beautiful princess. I even went through a phase where I forced everyone to call me by a girls name. I told my mom that I wasn't a boy, I was a girl. She didn't really accept this from me, she more or less brushed it off, but she warned me not to talk that way around my father. He was old school, and raised on a farm. For him, men and women had very strictly defined roles in family and society.

As far as my father was concerned, a man worked, took care of his family, provided for and protected them. A woman's place was at home with the children, cooking and cleaning. She was to be obedient to her husband and nurturing to her children. Everything was black and white, and there was no room for gray. Boys were boys, and girls were girls. I'd always had a good relationship with my father. In fact we were best friends. My mom had kids from a previous marriage but I was my fathers only son. We did everything together when I was younger. He took me fishing, and taught me how to hunt. We went camping, worked on cars together, painted a fence once, and he encouraged me to play baseball and basket ball. As I got older though, it became more apparent that I wasn't like other boys. My father and I clashed a lot over my obvious femininity. I knew that he was disappointed in me and our relationship really went down hill fast.

The year before he died we had a huge fight and that was the last time we'd spoken to each other. I wasn't there when he died and that's something I've regretted ever since.  I went through a period where I hadn't spoken to my mother in almost three years but following the birth of my second child we had made up and she's been a constant part of my life since. I won't say that she is 100% accepting of my lifestyle, but she at least tolerates it. She did make it clear to me though that I was born as her son and I will always be her son, not her daughter. I'd lost enough when I lost my dad and wasn't about to risk losing my mother too. For that reason I decided to put to rest any ideas I had of changing gender or living as a woman.  It may seem unfair, and to many people it probably would be, but for me I don't see it that way. I don't think I'd have been happy living as a woman.  I'm not totally happy living as a man either. I've always had a kind of fascination with intersexed people, or people who are born with both sets of genitalia.

I kind of see myself this way, at least mentally. Biologically I am totally male. I have all the right equipment, I have children, while I could easily pass for a female should I ever decide to dress as one, I do typically look male when I dress and act male. The term I like best is genderfluid. I don't really identify as male or female but a mixture of both. I've also used the term androgynous. I don't really know what the correct term is. Maybe it just depends on the individual. In any case, I'm still learning. It might seem odd that a forty-one year old would not be totally sure what gender they identify with, by now I should be an expert right? No way man. I have been questioning myself and been at odds with my gender since before I can even remember. It's not something that I just woke up with one day. I didn't realize at first even what I was doing. I thought, well, kids play dress up. They have great imaginations.

I figured that my pretending to be a princess was just a phase I grew out of. Instead it merely evolved into me questioning my sexuality and gender identity. As I became more adult, I had more adult questions and so I kind of forgot about the way I acted as a child. For years I thought there was something wrong with me. I tried to live as a "normal" male. I got married, had kids, and did what I thought would make my family happy. The problem was, I myself was never happy. I was twenty-eight when I finally came out as gay. My life hasn't been wine and roses since then, but at least being honest with myself has made me happier, despite the obstacles I still face. That's an entirely different post though.

When I really started questioning my gender was when I began researching things online. I found out

that I wasn't the only one who felt this way, and the things I did as a kid started to make more sense to me. I finally realized that there wasn't anything wrong with me. I don't like to really put a label on myself, I'm just me. But, it is nice to have a better understanding of what I am going through, what I am feeling, and knowing that I am not alone. It's a journey that I am still on, I'm still learning, and I don't have all the facts yet, but at least it makes more sense now. To anyone who is going through what I am now, or what I went through when I was younger, all I can say is research. Read as much as you can, talk to people who have been through similar things, ask questions, and learn as much as you can. You don't have to define yourself.  You don't have to fit neatly into some little box, it's not black and white. The most important thing is just to be who you are. Male, female, genderfluid, gender queer, androgynous, whatever you are, you're not alone and there is nothing wrong with you.

You can be gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, whatever. Everyone is unique and special in their own way. Don't let anyone tell you that you HAVE to be a certain way. Being gender fluid doesn't mean I have to be gay. Gender identity and sexuality are two completely different things. Just be happy with who you are and if people can't accept you for you, then screw 'em. They ain't worth it anyway. You're perfect the way you are.