My personal journey through Depression

 Depression is a serious illness.

When someone mentions being depressed, in my experience, people want to change the subject, or suddenly have somewhere else they need to be. It's one of those things that's hard to talk about, makes people uncomfortable, and is usually kept in the dark for the most part, like a dirty little secret that no one really wants to hear about. I've been told that I am being silly, looking for attention, or it's a phase that I'll grow out of. At times, when I've tried to talk about it the reaction that I get from others is, "Well, do you want to hear about what's going on in my life?!"
Honestly, no. It's not about you. That's the worst thing I think you can say to someone that is in pain, in need, and wanting someone to talk to. If I didn't want help, or at least just want someone to listen, hug me, and tell me it's going to be okay, I wouldn't have brought it up. Chastising me for blowing things out of proportion, complaining, or telling me how hard you have things is not going to help me. Do I ever say this to any of the people that have done the above? Nope. I just smile and change the subject, but inside I feel like crap.
Depression isn't silly, it's not about wanting attention, and it's not a phase one is going to grow out of. It's a hard, debilitating disorder, that makes day to day activities nearly impossible. It can last from a couple days to a of couple weeks. When someone tells you that they are depressed, they're not trying to get negative attention for themselves, it's usually a cry for help.
I could make this post all about the different types of depression, the signs and symptoms, and ways to help, but I'm not going to do that. There are a lot of sites online where you can research depression if you really want to. A good site to go to is web MD. It has some really good information on depression. Types of Depression.
Instead, what I'm going to do in this post is explain to you what it's like for someone that's going through depression. This is, of course, my own personal experience. Everyone who suffers from depression experiences things differently. You're chemistry, biology, environment, and situation depends a lot on how depression effects you.
There is clinical depression and situational depression. You could suffer from one or both. Clinical is

when you have a chemical imbalance in your brain that causes depression while situations is dependent on things that are going on in your life such as loss of a job, or loved one. Financial problems, a breakup, or even the birth of a new child, called post-partum depression.
I think post-partum is hormonal but I feel that it's possible even for a father to face some form of this, even though he didn't give birth to the child. I went through a very mild form of this when my kids were born. It may just have been the stress of being a new father, getting little to no help from their mother, and having fears that I was not ready to care for them properly.
I would constantly wake them up to make sure they were still breathing, and had constant nightmares that someone or something was going to harm them. I eventually over came my fears and the depression went away but for the first two to three weeks it was terrible. I can't even imagine what a mother might feel like going through this as there are so many other factors involved with her having just given birth. Whatever the type or the cause, it's a serious problem that needs to be addressed, not ignored.
I've been seeing a therapist since I was in my late teens. I have a combination of clinical and situational, and have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder.

 I first started seeing someone when I was around seventeen or eighteen. I had attempted suicide and was put on the psychiatric floor of our local hospital. Even then my parents just assumed that I was trying to get attention and overreacting. They didn't take me seriously and I was often overlooked. What they didn't understand was that I was struggling with my sexual identity at the time. I knew that I was different. Despite my dating girls and even had had some sexual experience with girls, I knew in my heart that I was gay, or at least bisexual. I also knew that this was something that was never going to be accepted by my father. Even discussing how I felt with my mother was taboo. She knew that I wasn't like other boys, but we just weren't going to talk about it. Eventually I wold "grow up" and grow out of it. I was urged to act more like a boy, especially around my dad. This caused a lot of confusion for me as well as a lot of hard feelings towards my family. It's a terrible thing to feel like you are never going to be accepted for who you are and told to act like someone that you know in your heart you are not. I'm forty-one now and while I never did achieve acceptance with my father before his death, I did gain some form of tolerance from my mother and other members of my family. One brother still won't have much to do with me and I recently reconciled with a sister whom I had not spoken to in a number of years. I still suffer from depression though and am on medication that does help a lot to control it, but it doesn't eliminate it totally.

I'm a lot happier now that I have come out as gay. I have a wonderful husband and three wonderful children. For the most part I'm pretty happy, but that doesn't mean the depression is gone. A large portion of my depression is due to brain chemistry. That will never change and can only be controlled or maintained through medication. The things I deal with now as an adult contribute to my depression though. Financial issues, kids, and just general day to day things that become overwhelming. My daughter has autism and that proves to be a huge challenge in my life. I love her to bits, but that doesn't mean I don't struggle with her behaviors. I also own my own house and with home ownership comes maintenance and repairs. It's like the old adage says, when it rains it pours. For me, it seems like I'm caught in a constant down pour. I saved money back to get us through Christmas and birthdays and then out of no where suddenly my house goes to shit. We had to pay to have the water pipes fixed, the furnace fixed, the phone lines, and then the dryer broke down. That's after shelling out nearly $800.00 to have my husbands SUV fixed. With all of these things happening so close together and right before the holidays, it's caused my depression to jump into overdrive. It's also done nothing to ease my anxiety either. Within the last few weeks I've really hit rock bottom and can't seem to pull myself out of it, though I am trying my best.

I forgot about my son's IEP meeting with the school ( something I have never done before). I missed two of the kids doctors appointments and one two of mine. I have yet to call and make those up yet even though I really need to. It's almost as though I have a fear of calling up and rescheduling anything, like I'm afraid of being yelled at for my negligence. I'm also having severe anxiety over a surgery that, by now, I should have already been scheduled for. I've neglected to get the blood work done for it that I need to do, and am avoiding talking to the nursing staff who keep calling me. I need to get these things taken care of but recently all I want to do is stay in bed and sleep the hours away. It's like things have just become so overwhelming and there are so many responsibilities that are put on me that I just can't deal with them anymore. It's easier to just check out by staying in bed and not facing my responsibilities. I'll admit that right now I'm not being the best father that I can be. I get the kids up, get them ready for school, make sure they take their meds, and feed them; but I could be doing so much more. I just can't seem to get my act together. I've tried to talk to my friends about what's going on, but they have issues of their own to worry about and I really don't want to burden them with mine. I'm used to handling things on my own, being the strong one, and being the one that solves everyone else's problems. Suddenly though, I can't even seem to handle my own problems.  There are days when I seriously just want to give up. I'm not to the point where I think I'm in any danger of committing suicide, its more like I just want to avoid life. Or at least avoid the struggles that come with life.
I truly hate feeling this way. I wish more than anything that the fog in my head would clear and I could get my life in order. I'm not trying to complain or get attention from anyone. This isn't something I would chose to go through. Who would? No one wants to feel numb, or empty, or so overwhelmed with life that they try to avoid it at all costs. Depression is real, and it's extremely hard to overcome.
In closing I just want to say, if someone comes to you and says they are depressed, or you even suspect that they might be, don't dismiss their feelings. They are in pain, and they are in need. Just be there for them. Be a shoulder to cry on. Be a friend. All the medication in the world isn't enough to help someone struggle through depression. They need love too. It may not solve the problem, but it will definitely help. Take care everyone, and please stay safe.