Who matters most?

There are people in our lives who matter, and those who don't, but how do we tell the difference?

Before I get too deep into this post I want to first apologize. This post may feel a bit like I'm complaining, or even feeling sorry for myself.  That is not my intention. It's simply a post that I am making to sort of analyze certain relationships that I have had throughout my life and how they have impacted me.

For a long time I have wondered, why am I not important? Why do I not matter to people? I've come to the conclusion now that I do matter to people. At least to some people. Those are the people that should matter to me, though I spent a good deal of my life trying to make myself important to people that just couldn't see my true value, and only kept me around for what I could do for them, or give to them. When the tables were turned though and I needed help, these people were never around and so I just assumed that there was something wrong with me. I know now that that coudln't be farther from the truth. When I stopped making myself available to these people was when I saw who my true friends were, and it really opened my eyes to the nature of loyalty and human relationships.

About a month ago I was sitting at home, watching a movie with my kids and the phone rang. I didn't recognize the name on the caller ID but it was a local number so I went ahead and answered it. To my complete and utter surprise it was a woman that I had known since high school, and at one point, had been very good friends with. I'm going to call her Jess for privacy reasons though that isn't her actual name. I was shocked that Jess was calling me. I didn't even know how she'd gotten my number. I havn't spoken to this person in almost seven years. She asked me if my mom still had houses that she rented out and I told yes, she has a few. She then asked if I would speak to my mom about the possibility of renting one to her. Now, I know for a fact that my mother would say absolutely not, no way in hell. She never liked Jess, and she wasn't interested in renting to people like her. By that I mean people who did drugs, drank, had multiple pets, and were more than likely to destroy her house. My mom, and I as well, were not being prejudiced. It was a very real possibility that she would destroy the place. The last time I spoken to her was during a time when she was struggling after her teenage son had set her apartment on fire attempting to kill himself as well as his mom, her boyfriend, and his younger siblings. I felt bad for Jess, I really did, but my mom just wasn't going to put herself in a situation to deal with that kind of drama, or financial responsibility. I tried to explain this to Jess as respectfully as I could. She became angry with me and told me that she could file charges against my mom because you legally can't discriminate against a renter. Then she said that she was going to have my moms house condemned and torn down. I had to laugh at that. My parents rental properties were in excellent condition and could easily go for 600 to 800 dollar per month.
I told Jess that it wasn't discrimination. I could get her an application and she could fill it out but I seriously doubted that she would pass the credit check, which is perfectly legal. Also, I told her that she would not be allowed to have any pets in the house, nor would she be permitted to smoke or use illegal drugs on the property. Any violation of these rules would result in an immediate eviction. This seemed to dissuade her from wanting to rent the property.
She wasn't finished though. She told me that she had a friend whose child had autism and was seeking respite care. Since I was a social worker she wanted to me assist her friend in finding services for the child. I told her that's what the families case worker was for. Annoyed that I wasn't any more help than that, Jess gave me a quick good-bye and hung up. I replaced the phone on the charger and sat back in my chair and thought about the conversation. Not once in the entire 30 minutes that she was on the phone with me did she ask how my kids were, was I seeing anyone, where was I living now, or how I was doing. You would think after seven years she would be at least a bit curious. That's when it occurred to me that she didn't care about me. She never had. The only time I was worth her attention was when she needed something. This caused me to sit back and reflect on our relationship over the years since we'd graduated high school.
There were things over the years that I think I tended to overlook just because I wanted to believe that she was my friend. Monies that I had loaned her and never gotten back. Times we went out to eat or to the movies that I always paid for. (We were never dating and I made that clear to her, I wasn't interested in any type of romantic relationship with her.) When I got married she was supposed to be the maid of honor at my wedding but never showed up. She didn't cancel, she just never showed up. Later she told me that she forgot about it being that day and decided to go shopping out of town with some friends.
She never attended my wife's baby shower either. Once again she forgot about it.
I had prepaid once for a photography session in which I was going to surprise her for Christmas with a portrait of her with her children. I told her the date and the time for it and she said she would be there but then she failed to show for that as well. She told me that she had changed her mind because she didn't have the money for pictures. I could understand that, but the fact that she never called was what really angered me. I would have told her at that point that it was already paid for.
All of these things should have given me some indication that I just wasn't someone in her life who was important to her. Sadly I was blind to it because I just didn't want to believe that it was true.
The last straw though was when her son had set her apartment on fire. She lost everything in that fire. She'd managed to get another apartment but was in need of furniture, clothes, dishes, toys for her youngest kids, and just about every other house hold item you could think of. I didn't have a lot of money back then but I did have some old dishes that I wasn't using that I could donate to her. I also went to goodwill and bought several nice outfits for her and her kids. I went to the dollar store and bought her some cleaning supplies and little decorative items that I thought she would like, and I used my food stamps to get her a few things so that she would have food until she got her new card in the mail.
She seemed grateful for everything that I had given her and I was glad to help. I never really expected any recognition for helping her, that's not why I did it. I just wanted to help out a friend. I also offered to drive her anywhere that she needed to go, and I had hired her to baby sit for me until she found a job. I was paying her a decent wage but at one point she told me that I wasn't paying her enough. She expected 10 dollars an hour for watching my two kids. I explained to her that that was two dollars less than I was making at my job. It was ridiculous. She continued to babysit for me though until she found a job as a bar tender and then she quit. That was fine with me, my sister took over and I didn't have to pay her.
About three months after the fire though I was looking through some facebook posts and I saw a post that Jess had made where she was describing the fire and thanking everyone that helped her get back on her feet. She made a list, naming each person who had helped her, there was maybe twenty people listed there, all friends of hers, some family. But, as I read through the list I didn't see my name listed anywhere. As I said before, I never expected anything but seeing all those names listed and then my name left out, it really hurt. I never said anything to her. I figured she would say that she once again forgot about me. That seemed to be the theme with her. I was always the one forgotten. The one overlooked, unless she needed something from me. I never officially broke contact with her after that, but our communication because less and less until it stopped all together. Without me calling her to arrange an outing or ask her over for dinner, she had no real reason to speak  to me, and so we just lost touch. That is, until she needed my help.

I made up my mind at that point not to waste my efforts on someone that clearly doesn't care about me.  I can't say that she was always so callus. There were times when I recall that she was there as a friend when I needed her. When my dad died she was by my side, when my kids were born she came by the house to see them. I think though as we got older we just became too different. She was more into partying, doing drugs, drinking and having fun. When my children were born I put aside that life and focused on my kids, my career and trying to better myself. Jess and I just didn't share the same interests anymore and certainly not the same values.
I wasn't really hurt emotionally when she called me recently though, I was more angered by it. I didn't care anymore that she was only calling me looking for a handout. I didn't need her approval for anything and I didn't care if she liked me or not. I have people in my life now who do care and who are there for me when I need a friend. I have people in my life whom I matter too and so they too matter to me. For the first time I can honestly say that it no longer saddens me to think that Jess doesn't care about my feelings because Jess no longer matters to me. I've seen her true colors and I realize now that there was nothing wrong me with. I did everything that I good friend should do. Jess was the one that failed to appreciate me and in doing so she's forever closed the door to a relationship that could have been mutually beneficial, if she'd only cared enough to meet me half way.
Life is way to short to spend your time and energy on someone that doesn't respect or care about you.  As hard as it may be, sometimes though people, you just have to cut them out of your life, and make room for the people that truly do matter.